How stress limits your ability to behave appropriately

Stress responses can paralyze you emotionally and undermine even the strongest love or work relationship and cripples your ability to be in touch with your deep-rooted needs and to see and hear other people.

The most common ways of responding to stress are:

• Angry or agitated – a heated, angry, in-your-face response where the person is agitated and can’t sit still.
• Shutdown, depressed, or spaced-out – the person exhibits little energy or emotion.
• Frozen or traumatized – the person is tense and still, can’t get going, and can’t accomplish anything. Some people have had frightening, overwhelming experiences that wire their nervous systems to “freeze” when challenged by stress. Their stress responses are especially complex and contradictory. They may look paralyzed, but are racing within.

How stress cripples effective communication

Unrecognized stress responses play such an important role in your ability to communicate effectively that they can undermine even the strongest love and work relationships.

Stress challenges relationships by crippling your ability to:

• Accurately read another person's nonverbal communications.
• Hear what someone is really saying.
• Be aware of your own feelings.
• Be in touch with your deep-rooted needs.
• Communicate your needs clearly.

In managing stress, you are looking for that “just right” feeling

Many of us spend so much time in a stressed state, we have forgotten what it feels like to be fully relaxed and alert. Being balanced means maintaining a calm state of energy, alertness, and focus. Calmness is more than just feeling relaxed; being alert is an equally important aspect of finding the balance needed to withstand stress.

There are two very different ways to restore balance

Your nervous system is primed to deal with stress in two different ways: First, you can dependably calm down in a hurry when you are with another person –someone that you trust—who is calm and focused themselves. Remember that infants are completely dependent on their primary caretaker for calming and soothing. This ability to find comfort in others persists thought out life. All of us need to be able to reach out to others in this way. Doing so may seem like an imposition but, in fact, almost never is. Many if not most people experience helping another as a privilege that makes them feel good about themselves.

The second method for calming and energizing your nervous system is by identifying sensations that immediately relax and energize you. There are particular sights, sounds, smells, tastes and sensations that you can focus on to quickly and dependably to restore your equilibrium when it is out of balance. This is a skill that any adult can develop with practice.

Defusing stress with sensory input

Each person responds differently to sensory input. For example, certain kinds of music may relax one person but irritate another. The smell of incense can lift one person’s distress, but another may benefit most from candle light.

Knowing the right kind of sensory input is essential to:

• Speed up, if you are a person who is spaced out or distressed
• Slow down, if you are a person who is angry or agitated
• Help get unstuck, if you are a person who is frozen with anxiety

The best stress relief techniques are quick, reliable, and immediate

You may already be familiar with stress reduction techniques like yoga or meditation, but in relationships, you need to defuse stress in the moment. You need personal stress reduction techniques that: 

• Have immediate impact — bring quick, positive responses.
• Are dependable — consistently work for you.
• Are available — are at hand or easily accessible.
• Both relax and energize you — help you feel both calm and alert.
• Are enjoyable — you feel good while using the technique.

Sensory awareness exercise: learn what works best for you

To Prepare

Prepare for the sensory awareness exercise by releasing any tension you may be holding in your body. You do this by tensing, tightening, or squeezing parts of your body for 5 seconds and then releasing those muscles. As you release, surrender any tension or discomfort in that part of your body.

• Begin by squeezing your toes and feet for 5 seconds … and let go.

• Next focus on your calves and thighs, squeezing them for 5 seconds … and release. Take a moment to experience the sensations in the skin, muscles, and bones of your legs.

• Now focus on your pelvis and lower back, squeezing these parts for five seconds … and let go.

• Now direct your attention to the muscles in your stomach and middle back, tightening and holding them for five seconds ... and release.

• Now squeeze and hold your chest and upper back … and release. Take a moment to focus on the sensations in the upper part of your body.

• Now tighten your neck and shoulders for five more seconds … and release. Do you feel more relaxed in your neck and shoulders?

• Finally, squeeze and hold the many muscles in your face, including those around your jaw, eyes, mouth, and nose for five seconds … and let go, allowing all of these muscles to go slack.

Take a moment to experience the sensations throughout your body.

Imaginary visualization

Clear your mind of all unrelated thoughts, soften your eyes, and take several slow deep breaths.

• Imagine a forest of trees, a breathtaking arrangement of flowers, or a spectacular beautiful garden.
• See, feel, and experience a water scene that is both cool and invigorating.
• Visualize and experience a person or animal you love.

Take a moment to draw in this experience. Note images that instantly make you feel relaxed.

Sensation of Sounds

• Recall some of the sounds of nature: possibly bird calls, flowing water, or the sound of the wind rustling leaves.
• Recall some melodies, musical instruments, or voices that you enjoy.

Take a moment to draw in the sensation of one of these experiences. Do any of these both sooth and invigorate you?

Sensation of Scents and Smells

• Imagine breathing in the scent of lemons, ripe strawberries, lavender or mint.
• Imagine smelling warm chocolate, gardenia, musk or your favorite perfume.

Allow one of the delightful sensations to linger in your nostrils.

Sensation of Touch

• Recall the feel of a baby’s skin or the softness of a puppy or kitten.
• Imagine the sensation of a soothing touch on your arm or leg.
• Recall having your face or hair stroked.

Take a moment to revel in these sensual delights, noting any sensations that both relax and invigorate you.

Movement Sensations

Now take a moment to stretch. Pay attention to your body sensations while trying the following:

• Move your feet like you are running in place.
• Tap your head lightly with your fingertips or roll your head in circles.
• Move your body pretending you are dancing in place to imaginary music.

Next Step – Go to Video Lesson 1: The Elastic